Words Are All I Have
by RubyRoy87
Summary: Rick Castle's brief monologue as he sees the love of his life fights for her life... and he thinks it is his fault. Based on the song "Words" by Boyzone.


I just wish you'd open your eyes. Just open your eyes and smile at me Kate. Tell me you're okay. I don't care if you lie. Just break the silence. Stay with me… Don't ever let me find you gone. I wouldn't be able to bear it.

I am standing outside the ICU watching you fight for your life. You look so pale, so… broken… I never thought I'd have to use this word to describe you, Katherine Beckett. You're strong. You're extraordinary. You'll fight through this. Even though you can't breathe on your own at the moment, even though you need a machine to keep you alive, even though your hands are limply resting on your sides, I know you'll survive. You're a fighter and you're stubborn. Yes, you'll survive… I know it. I'm not leaving this hospital until you open your eyes.

I know all of this is my fault. I put you in the crosshairs. I re-opened your mother's case. I hate to admit it but Josh is right…. It's all my fault. If it were not for me, Montgomery wouldn't be resting under cold earth right now… If it were not for me, you wouldn't be shot…

Trust me Kate, I've never hated anyone in my life as much as I hate myself right now. I'll never be able to forgive myself if anything happens to you… I love you, Kate. I love you with everything I have. Without you, the world will lose all its glory. I wish I could hide you from this cruel world. I wish I could change the past. I wish we could start a brand new story, a story from scratch. Unlike what I write, there'd be no murders, no death, no loss. Your mother would still be alive. Your parents would be happy. You'd be happy. We'd be happy.

But then, why would you like me even then? I know how much I annoy you, how much you're fed up with me. I'm not worthy of you… I'm not like Will, all decent and sticking with rules and regulations. As you once said yourself, I've the attention span of a cocker spaniel… I don't even remember the rules, how am I supposed to follow them?

I'm not like Demming… I am not man enough, I cannot spur you into a fistfight and get your adrenalin pumping. Hell, I can't throw a punch without cracking my knuckles… I am such a girl…

I'm not Josh. I do nothing to save the world… well, may be except I do contribute to funds but that only looks obscene. I don't know how to save a life, Kate… I didn't even think about pressing on your wound when you were losing blood and fading out right in my arms. Shit, I'm so stupid Kate. I'm not a doctor. I don't even have the common sense needed to save a life. I'm a klutz.

I've nothing to attract you. I'm madly in love with you but I've nothing to make you fall in love with me. Yes, I'm rich… I've loads of money, but are they any worth? They've only served to push you away from me… You think I'm a rich asshole chalking you out as a potential conquest. I don't have a badge, I don't put my life on line everyday, I don't save lives….

All I do is sit in front of my laptop and type.

It's only words. There's only one thing I do best, I write… Words are all I have to take your heart away.

Is that enough for you, Kate?

But then, words are also important, aren't day?

If you'd only speak a word right now…. If you'd only talk….

Open your eyes, Kate. Dedicate a word to me. You can ask anything in return. Hell, I'll give you all my life….

I'm here, Kate. I'll be right be here if you should ever call to me.

Yes, Josh has asked me to leave you alone, to leave both of you alone, but I'm not listening. I wouldn't leave unless you're sure you want me to. They may try to kick me out, they can do whatever they want to do but I'm not leaving you. I'm the king of going rogue and that's why you're lying in there, limply.

It's time I used my disregard for authority for a better cause.

This time I'm moving the rubber tree plant…

I'm rumbling like crazy, aren't I? You know what, detective? I believe you can feel it. It sounds insane, right? You're lying a few feet away from me and all that separates us is this flimsy glass wall… You've got to feel something, right? I can almost see you rolling your eyes at me.

You think I don't even mean a single word I say…

What can I say, detective? It's only words, I know.

But words are all I have to take your heart away…

_A/N: Okay, again I've no idea what this is. I heard the song 'Words' by Boyzone for the millionth time today and felt it completely suited Rick's character. I couldn't think of a better plot to suit the song. I felt that it'd be completely in character for Castle to have this monologue while Beckett is fighting for her life! What do you think?_

_Also, whatever Rick says about himself is what he feels about himself at that moment. As we've seen, he holds himself responsible for everything. It's not something that I think about Rick. Thought you should know..._

_If you can think of a better plot where the song would fit, tell me. I'm willing to rewrite the song-fic based on your suggested plot if I like it. Help me? Please?_

**_Disclaimer: Don't own Castle or the song "Words"._**


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